Ranting or ?


I have had a hard few weeks and it isn’t over yet, as I have been recovering from an illness that has plagued me for most of my life. Just as I feel I have overcome the battle it reminds me of my limitations. So, as I start to feel comfortable, working and playing at life “It” flares up its ugly head then dissipates into nothingness. Only to appear when I least expect it. Only this time it wiped me out. It drained me. It laid me flat. I am exhausted from the battle. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I refuse to surrender even though I know the fight is not yet over. I will overcome this challenge and return to some normality. Like returning to work, I really like my job. 😊 In the meantime, Oh the misery! the boredom! The isolating feeling that overwhelms the senses. The limitations, such as not being able to walk without assistance of some contraption. We even borrowed my mom’s walker for a bit. Pulled down the crutches out of storage and I slept in the lazy boy recliner, as getting into bed was just not happening. Seems lying flat no longer helps.
I know. There are a lot of people who live with chronic disabilities daily and have many obstacles to face in their journeys. I do not deny them their due, through their own perseverance they are an encouragement to others, even to me. Whether they accept that compliment or not. This Rant, complaint is about me, my journey, my struggles. They may not be physically seen but, they are there. Deep inside my person, just waiting to  attack when I least expect them. They are sneaky, disrespectful little irritants that will not go away. I could call them worst but that would not be proper. Little monsters that is what they are. (angry face)
I have an unseen debilitating struggle. And on top of that I also struggle with equality and teamwork. I struggle with not doing my share of the household chores and bringing in my share of the dollars to help us live some normality. I struggle with past fears of being homeless again. Yes, I also suffer from Depression, which only gets magnified when my physical person is being limited. I have a selfish part of me that feels it can do it all. And it does not like to be weak. And believe me I have felt weak over the last few weeks.
As I explained to my loving, caring, sensitive, and supportive husband, I feel like a wild cat whose been trapped and taken away from what it knows and locked in a cage and cannot get out. It was the only description I could give him as to how I was feeling at the time. I also, do not like to concern him. I am a bit selfish in that manner. We have only been married a short time, (okay 6 years.) 😊 and have been blessed with not having to take me to the hospital because of extreme pain. Yes, he knew about the conditions and the pain before we said yes. 😊 Seeing him uncomfortable  and helplessness at not knowing what to do only made it worst as the guilt of putting him out set in. Yes, I do not like to feel helpless and I sure do not like it when others are put in a position of having to deal with me not being the strong, caring, bossy, humorous type of person I am. 😊 Today I am feeling a bit better. First time in weeks I can get my words on paper. So today I Rant or ?. your choice.
Ps. My handsome says I should stop spoiling him. 😊 NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

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Wow! A quick note about my day so far.


Today I am blessed. I met and had lunch and went grocery shopping with a neighbour. What a wonderful person she is. I find her an encouragement to life. I also was reunited with a teen I had met while she was very young. To see her today was an enourmous gift from God. Wow! the conversations were real. So invigorating. I cannot wait to see what else God has for me today.

 

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some projects take longer to than others.

 

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I thought I was buying a new mattress, not a new car


Today, handsome and I decided to venture out and obtain a new mattress. What type, What size, How thick, and even the question of Springs or no Springs were all covered. That led to the we had absolutely no idea what we type of mattress we wanted to get idea. We only knew we needed a new mattress to replace our old spring in your back one that we had been sleeping on.

Before we left I looked up the address of the local Sleep country on the computer and found we had several in our area. So I picked the five star over the three star and we drove further from home. All was good as we could run some other important errands on our way there and back. I am glad I chose the five star. The service lived up to its reviews.

Now, before I go futher, please keep in mind we are a cash only kind of people. We use our debit card instead of a credit  card.  The  only difference is the item is saved for over several months and paid off all at once. Not paid for then paid for over many years. (we learnt our lesson well) Also, I am not known for my tact. I am told, I have hyper focus and am not very good at listen skills, when I have my focus on. i see and hear not well at all. So all I had on my mind was that I only wanted a mattress, not a bed. So in clarifying that. Back to the story.

So off we go through the rainy streets, parking across from the store as there is no store parking available. This could be interesting. I enter the store, leaving handsome outside to deal with the parking. The salesman stands up  with a smile and greets me welcome. Good step on his part, puts me right at ease. But, before he has a chance to go into his sales pitch. I am telling him, I am here to buy a mattress, queen size, firm. What do you have available? Hyper mode, never quits. 🙂

He laughs, he actually laughs and then takes me around the show room and shows me two mattresses, er I mean models.  One. a last year model on sale, as the new 2017’s were coming in and it had no springs. Do I need a bed question came up and I informed the sales man no, we already had a frame only needed the mattress. the next mattress he showed me was a newer model with springs. The thought that quickly crossed my mind and caused distraction and a chuckle was, I thought I was buying a mattress, not a new car. As the thought crossed my mind, handsome arrived and joined the conversation regarding which mattress was the best for us. We then decided on the 2016 model with memory foam and a cooling jell to be delivered on a set day and to have our old mattress removed for a small sum. On completion of our decision the salesperson still felt the need to show us another choice, even though he understood we had made up our mind. The new one did not look comfortable at all and our mind was firmly set. So with that in mind, he kindly informed us we needed to obtain a mattress cover so the company warranty would be good. So that if we were not happy after our 30 day try out we could call and have it returned for another one. The choice was would that be smooth or ruffled? We went with the smooth.

You would think that was the end of the story, we went, we saw, we bought. Well not quite, there is one little detail. The bank limited what I could take out of my account on any given day. After a frustrating few minutes with a machine, we agreed to pay a down payment and drive to a bank and get the rest of the cash. Which we promptly did and returned only to find they do not have the means to accept cash (Colour me red). Already frustrated as the plan did not go as my head wanted it to go, I began to feel more agitated than necessary. But the salesman was fantastic, living up to their five star rating. They did however accept the cash, using their own credit card to pay it off and gave me a receipt paid in full. Thank you. stress reduced.

Now for the next decision… What depth was that mattress again? we need to buy a new sheet. 🙂 that decision will just have to wait.

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Where do You see God at work?


I had some time this week to contemplate a question we get asked a lot, “Where do I see God at work?” As I spent time pondering the question.  I struggled inside of myself to see if I had seen God at work at all. With all the negativity around me, I became uncomfortable in my own thinking.  I realized I had not seen God at work anywhere.

So, if I could not see him at work, then how can I know He is at work? So I prayed and asked God to open my eyes to see through His eyes where He was at work in my neighbourhood and my life. The answer was a surprise and an embarrassment on my part. I understood why I was not seeing God at work. It was because I was trying to see Him work through others eyes and not His eyes.

God is at work. He is at work in the innocence of a baby’s smile. A helping hand when you least expect it. The joy in a grandchild’s face when their grandpa comes to visit. The peace inside your heart, when your world is in a downward spiral and your not sure which direction is which. In a long lineup at the grocery shop and the person in front of you with a cart full of groceries allows you to go first. A simple hello to a stranger and they look surprised and smile and say hello back. Yes, I found God at work, in the miracle of living day to day. On the crowded bus and you are given a seat to sit in. In observing someone holding a door for someone who’s arms were full of children and bags. He was with someone who stopped to pick up the windswept garbage and put it in a garbage can right before the garbage men arrived. Yes, God is at work. Finding milk money when you had none. I could go on. But, I believe you get the picture. God is at work. We just need to stop using the wrong eyes to see Him with.

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A Room with a View


A Room with a View is exactly what my friend has near the neighbourhood I grew up in. The view is so different than when I was a  young girl running around the area. How we grow up. What used to be like flatland with single family homes, is now a mountain of high rises with more being built every year. If you look very closely you can see the mountains between the buildings crowned with clouds.img_3345

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Ships that pass in the night or in this case on the ocean


I loved my cruise this past spring. We saw many cruise lines as we travelled on the Meditteranian. Some were smaller in comparision to our ship. Others reminded me of apartment blocks in Toronto.  So large they were overwhelming to look at.  We joked how we had difficulties finding our way around our little ship. We would surely be lost for the whole of our trip on a ship the size of the Equinox. I cannot wait to go again. the adventrue was that an adventure. the cloudy day in Caans, the rainy sunny day in Italy. it was great for us as we came from the rain forest weather of the west coast, but we were sure sad for those who had needed to get away from the rain storms south of us. img_2868img_2799

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