My Nightmare Down Memory Lane

My Nightmare Down Memory Lane


I wish I could say nothing could bring the past back to the forefront of my mind, but alas I cannot. For you see someone else’s life choices decided that for me. When the news of moral failure was brought to light my mind became filled with the powerful destruction of past pains. Pains that I had thought lost deep inside the caverns of my soul, never to be brought to the surface again. By placing the pain behind the locked doors of my mind, I had stuffed them into oblivion in my every day life. No one would ever know the shame I carried daily. By hiding behind the walls of my past I hoped never to face the torture of shame or the suffocating fear that once enveloped me on a daily basis. But that was not to be. As they read the letter out I wanted to run away. Tears fell in rhythm to the flashing pictures in my head. No! This cannot be real. How with all the knowledge can it be happening again?

Only this time it was not I that was under attack, it was someone else. Young, innocent, unknowingly had gotten herself into a mess she could not escape from. I can almost live it for her. In her search for trust and acceptance she fell captive to the emotions that youth brings to everyday life. Someone was paying attention to her. Someone cared or so that is what he probably said. They wanted to help her with her problems. Show her she can trust someone and no one will get hurt. Sadly the young girl never knew what hit her. She was caught up in the lies she must now live with. She will learn coping skills and hopefully learn living skills. Her life will never be the same again.

So why did her story affect me in the manner it did? Why did hearing the words bring on unstable emotions? Only God knows that answer. I only know the sick memories that have escaped their life prison have been haunting me ever since. Preventing me the peace I sought after for so many years from staying with me. The peace I had worked so hard to gain was gone in the drop of the words ‘moral failure’. Funny these two diminutive words don’t seem to be powerful enough to shake up any settled life. You would think in this day and age we wouldn’t be affected so strongly by such words. With all the sins that are running rampant in our society you would think they would have no affect on anyone. But as small as they are, they are devastating little words, mighty enough to destroy families and work places in one foul sweep. Filled with enough muscle to crash down walls without even lifting a toenail. Stronger than Goliath or Samson and they were big strong giants of men.

Moral failure to a Christian is devastating and destructive. It can create deep crevasses of feelings to even the hardened heart. It breaks apart friendships and families by its destructive behaviour. There is no instant cure. It takes years to heal and sometimes a lifetime. But there is hope that God will heal the parties involved and families if they let Him. I still am healing maybe this time as I have taken time to look at the memories, my own life will heal. I will never forget the pain I caused or the shame I carried, but God has, and is working in me daily to build me into a stronger person. I hope everyday that the memories will fade and fall back into that oblivion I once stored them. Where they will stay and hopefully and prayerfully they will remain. And if they should ever surface again may I be strong enough to look at them for what they are. Just memories of a life full of mistakes and nothing else.


About Pamela M. Loykowski-Durkee

born in 1959, loves to be creative, loves the great out doors.. When I met God my life changed. I now have hope and a brand new life. Of the many names I have, the one I love most of all is, Child of God.
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