I was Seeking, a lesson learnt


As a young child, I sought the attention of my parents, I sought their guidance and approval. As I went through school I sought the approval of my peers and instructors. I was always seeking the right guidance and the right direction. In the army I sought the recognition of my officers. I sought their knowledge, direction, instructions to keep me and my buddies safe.

I was always seeking something that I knew was missing in my life. I chased after alcohols freedom and different religious beliefs. My friends would recommend places I could go to get the answers. I got involved with Tarot cards, palm and tea readings, but none could answer the questions I had. I wanted to belong, I desired to be accepted. I longed to find a place or a group of people where I fit in.

I tirelessly searched. I learnt new ways to get the attention I so desired. I married for protection, only to find homelessness, fear and suffering. I divorced so I could live a life I sought after. One of no fear, no hunger, no pain.

I kept searching. My heart was full of many questions. Still all I found was emptiness that I felt was suffocating me. I searched for many decades, until one person invited me to come to “Church”. I use the term loosely as it was not as I expected. There were no judgments, no pews, no hand out for me to give them something, no condemnation to criticize me, only teaching, encouragement, the only pointing fingers were the ones pointing in a direction of a different path. I felt like a child, a sponge, wanting to learn and do as the adults did.

Proverbs 22:6

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it”

As I sat there in the big room for the 1st year, the questions I had inside my heart began to see some answers. I found myself seeking something new. I sought to please the people attending, so I served them, I sought their guidance, so I asked many questions, I sought their wisdom in how to live, I read their books, and I desired their lifestyle.

I hurt so much inside from desiring their lives, I became weary from seeking. I was tired of being lost, feeling inadequate and my ways of gaining acceptance was not working. The darkness was swallowing me up, I felt I was drowning in my life. I was just about to give up and run away from my search when one day, one person came up to me and said “You don’t have to seek anymore, as God sent His son Jesus to be your answer.

Luke 19:10

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”

The search was re-fired within me. I wanted to know more. I had a thirst in me that I had never felt before. I read the book they gave me, I asked question after question, I researched all they said and all I could. I was hungry, but not for food. It was a hunger to this day over twenty years later is still inside of me. I was filled with a new desire. I was no longer wallowing in the darkness of my life. I was alive, I no longer had to seek approval of man, woman or anything. I am accepted. I am loved. I am filled with life.

John 8:12

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

All those years I wasted seeking all the wrong things, I will never get that time back. I don’t want that time back. I want to keep seeking only the one Who Sought after me, the Lord Jesus Christ, the son of God. His love surrounds me. His word guides me.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!”

Matthew 7:8 /Luke 11:10 also reminds me that:

“For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

I sought, I found, I asked, the door is opened for me.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

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About Pamela M. Loykowski-Durkee

born in 1959, loves to be creative, loves the great out doors.. When I met God my life changed. I now have hope and a brand new life. Of the many names I have, the one I love most of all is, Child of God.
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