Ranting or ?


I have had a hard few weeks and it isn’t over yet, as I have been recovering from an illness that has plagued me for most of my life. Just as I feel I have overcome the battle it reminds me of my limitations. So, as I start to feel comfortable, working and playing at life “It” flares up its ugly head then dissipates into nothingness. Only to appear when I least expect it. Only this time it wiped me out. It drained me. It laid me flat. I am exhausted from the battle. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I refuse to surrender even though I know the fight is not yet over. I will overcome this challenge and return to some normality. Like returning to work, I really like my job. 😊 In the meantime, Oh the misery! the boredom! The isolating feeling that overwhelms the senses. The limitations, such as not being able to walk without assistance of some contraption. We even borrowed my mom’s walker for a bit. Pulled down the crutches out of storage and I slept in the lazy boy recliner, as getting into bed was just not happening. Seems lying flat no longer helps.
I know. There are a lot of people who live with chronic disabilities daily and have many obstacles to face in their journeys. I do not deny them their due, through their own perseverance they are an encouragement to others, even to me. Whether they accept that compliment or not. This Rant, complaint is about me, my journey, my struggles. They may not be physically seen but, they are there. Deep inside my person, just waiting to  attack when I least expect them. They are sneaky, disrespectful little irritants that will not go away. I could call them worst but that would not be proper. Little monsters that is what they are. (angry face)
I have an unseen debilitating struggle. And on top of that I also struggle with equality and teamwork. I struggle with not doing my share of the household chores and bringing in my share of the dollars to help us live some normality. I struggle with past fears of being homeless again. Yes, I also suffer from Depression, which only gets magnified when my physical person is being limited. I have a selfish part of me that feels it can do it all. And it does not like to be weak. And believe me I have felt weak over the last few weeks.
As I explained to my loving, caring, sensitive, and supportive husband, I feel like a wild cat whose been trapped and taken away from what it knows and locked in a cage and cannot get out. It was the only description I could give him as to how I was feeling at the time. I also, do not like to concern him. I am a bit selfish in that manner. We have only been married a short time, (okay 6 years.) 😊 and have been blessed with not having to take me to the hospital because of extreme pain. Yes, he knew about the conditions and the pain before we said yes. 😊 Seeing him uncomfortable  and helplessness at not knowing what to do only made it worst as the guilt of putting him out set in. Yes, I do not like to feel helpless and I sure do not like it when others are put in a position of having to deal with me not being the strong, caring, bossy, humorous type of person I am. 😊 Today I am feeling a bit better. First time in weeks I can get my words on paper. So today I Rant or ?. your choice.
Ps. My handsome says I should stop spoiling him. 😊 NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

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About Pamela M. Loykowski-Durkee

born in 1959, loves to be creative, loves the great out doors.. When I met God my life changed. I now have hope and a brand new life. Of the many names I have, the one I love most of all is, Child of God.
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